she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
