the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
