so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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