You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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