Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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