the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
