I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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