hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
