The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
