I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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