You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
