I puked a lego.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
