dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
