I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
