Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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