Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
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