So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
