I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
