made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
