We're facebook friends in real life
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
well you can't waste a boner
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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