she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
