What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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