if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
