I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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