Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
