walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
