Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
