i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
