He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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