I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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