Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
