just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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