so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
