he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize