I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
