I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
it was like eating out sand paper
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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