dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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