my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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