operation have a gay friend backfired
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
