I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize