some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Less talking, more tequila
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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