It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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