Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
