Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Everyone says I win the strip club
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
