she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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