i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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