I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
