I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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