I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize