Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize