my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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