i think i have two assholes
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I love you.
Bad choice
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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