I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
