Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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