Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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