I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
