Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
