I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Randomize
