He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I didn't notice because vodka
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
