He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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